I don’t know whether other writers feel the same way as I do but there are certain things that I, as a writer, feel should not be said or they should be avoided. I am no authority on English and I’ve made more mistakes than Lena Dunham has shown skin on GIRLS (LOVE her) but there just are moments where I feel as if though God has given me a glimpse of what Hell will feel like. I never judge people on what they say or how they talk but there are some instances where I feel like taking all the pain-killers in the world.
1. When Someone Overdoes Slang
Yes, I like slang. I enjoy it and if it were a human being I’d probably be best friends with it. Somehow, over a period time the entire world seems to be consolidating everything it says just so they don’t have to type or say a few extra words. Trust me, you’ll be doing yourself a favor by using words that make sense. Examples:
AMAZEBALLS, UHMAZING: Yes, I understand you’re fascinated but I doubt that throwing in an organ or two to express your sentiment will help you convey your point in an effective manner. Just stick to “amazing”. I swear to GOD it won’t kill you.
2. When Someone Says “Writers Don’t Make Money”
Hm. I understand that God has made you to tell me who does or does not make money but not everything’s about money- not to me at least. It’s about using my mind to express myself and I’m democratic by nature but your opinions look better in your mind than my fist does when its on your nose. Keep your invaluable opinions to yourself.
3. Oh MY Effing (G or C)
There was a time when saying OMG was more than enough. It was convenient because you could use it any way you wanted to and you didn’t have to overstate your exuberance. Drop the F and just say OMG- you don’t sound cool, it’ll save you from the energy of adding an extra letter and it MIGHT save you from a trip to Hell.
4. I Hate Writing
That’s…..helpful. I never knew your dislike for my passion was integral to my existence.
5. LOL, LOLZIO, LOLZZZ
Okay, I’m probably guilty of using “LOL” myself. I use it when I’m texting someone but only if I’m actually LOL-ing. Nowadays, many people say LOLZZZ and LOLZIO.
6. So You’re Holed Up In Your Room? How Do You Do It?
I know most people who have asked me this have never said this with malicious intent but there are a few people who have been blessed with the ability to make this statement sound condescending. I’m not holed up in my room- I’m currently holed up in your unrequited desire to express yourself and I love what I do.
I hate that word- with a passion. I cannot express how annoying that word is. For GOD’S SAKE JUST CALL HER/HIM BABE! Just throwing in another B. You’re not a rapper, you’re not Kanye or P Diddy. It’s their JOB to make up stupid words and to eat up a few letters here and there- not yours.
8. “How much do you make a month?”
There are only a handful of people who CAN ask me this- my immediate family and the friends I do hang out with. I’m much more likely to speak highly of marriage than I am to answer this question without wanting to hang you.
9. “I hate journalists”.
Good to know and I admire your desire to express yourself but I’m not a journalist. I’m a freelance writer. Try not to waste my time by telling me about yourself and learn the difference between writers and journalists.
10. When someone tells me what I’m saying or writing is incorrect or wrong- triumphantly.
I’ll present you with a Pulitzer in a bit but first, please, celebrate the fact that I’ve made a mistake.
11. When someone makes fun of a person who is clearly trying to improve his or her speech or writing style
They’re trying and I commend them for it. I love aspiring writers and people who make mistakes because I feel like I can connect with them.
12. “You should try to write like this”
No. Just no. This is one of the most blasphemous things you can say to a writer. I hate unsolicited advice.