I’d intended on writing a post related to this topic somewhere down the line. However, a reader’s request prompted me to write about the whole Confidence Scene sooner than I’d anticipated (thanks Phira Hua Dimagh!). I’ll be talking about this in different parts and posts and hope this will aid you- IF you’re reading this post.
Alright- so, for those of you who don’t know me from my childhood or teenage years, I used to be a shy, quiet and timid person- fat, too. I was the kind of person who was always in search of other people who could or would inspire me because I thought that ‘becoming’ anyone other than who I am would make things better. If you’re anything like me, at any level, chances are you’re the same way.
I also had toxic relationships with people who always undermined, gossiped and backbit about one another- that’s part of anyone’s childhood/teen years. I thought growing up would resolve me of the self-loathing I had toward myself or that watching shows and hanging out with certain “types” of people would benefit me in some way. I turned into the ONE person I’d never expected myself to turn into- don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t the spawn of Satan (too many people had taken up that role) but I was finding myself. I was confused AS HELL until things came to a place where I didn’t FEEL the need to GO to Hell to experience it. I was living in another city back then but in no way do I blame the city for my scruples.
I’d given up in love, optimism and several things that I’d believed in initially. I would often speak AGAINST happiness too and remember having a conversation with a friend who tried to convince me that happiness DOES exist. I was so motivated to stay demotivated that I’d shot down every argument of hers- or so I thought. I recall her saying “You’re stuck in…like…this TINY self-made box that you’re just not getting OUT OF. Humzah, happiness DOES EXIST”.
I’d believed in God- I always have but I’d given up praying (bear in mind I’d pray 5 times a day). However, at the age of 22 things changed. Though I’d presumed that everything was going against me, but who knew they were working in my favor? I’d gone to a university where people from various backgrounds interacted with me and I with them. I learned a lot from them and I’d discovered more about myself.
I’d left college to study fitness and nutrition and when that didn’t work out, I gave freelance writing a shot and I’m so happy to have done that. By this time I was happy enough to be myself but the one question I asked myself was- “If I were to die an hour from now, could I say I’d LIVED my life? Have I done something/anything that made me feel as if I’d HELPED someone- myself even? If I were to live on my own, would I be comfortable with doing so? Would God (I had a bitter-sweet relationship with God) be happy with me? Would I be happy with myself?” and the answer was- NO.
As time went on I started discovering more about myself (which I’ll touch upon in later posts). Up till this point I’d discovered enough about my life (and other people’s lives) that taught me what life was/is all about- life’s amazing, God’s amazing and I was blind to it all. Again, I’ll talk about this in future posts (that I’m working on now).
To summarize this entire story (for those of you who don’t want to read what I’ve written above), I USED to be a shy, timid boy who wasn’t really comfortable in his own skin and that’s ONE thing that most under-confident people can relate to.
Post 2 on the way 🙂