If you know me you’ll be aware of my hatred towards selfies but there are some selfies that really, really need to stay in 2014. Before I start, I’d also like to explain what constitutes a selfie to me: when one person’s desire to be photographed overpowers him/her to the extent that he/she wants nothing more than to be visually available to the world is when you can accuse him or her of being a selfie-itte. Taking pictures with family members and friends does NOT constitute a selfie.
Taking such selfies too frequently might cause some people to suffer due to Post Traumatic Selfie Disorder.
Anyway, moving on:
1. The Selfie of the Atrocious Label Addict
Some people use the word ‘whore’ but I love the word and have too much respect for it to fit the word into this title. Anyway, the Label Addict takes selfies only to show off that he/she owns a particular label. Now, there’s nothing wrong with that if you’re a model, actor/actress who’s being paid to promote a product. But if you don’t fall into those categories, feel free to keep your LV bags and Gucci shoes in your cupboard.
If we wanted to see what products those companies were making, we could just walk into one of their stores or go online without having to worry about getting eye sores.
2. The Phelfie
Phelfies are the selfie-itte’s way of showing that he or she is using an Android or Apple phone. Its awesome that you want to show off your phones and what not but please understand (A) No one really cares about what phone you’re using and (B) Having said that Apple’s over and overrated and has been ever since Steve Jobs died.
3. The Em-elfie
This is probably one of the most abhorrent selfies I’ve ever come across. Selfie-ittes who take pictures to express that they’re #sad #missingyou or #annoyed need to to remember another hashtag: #NooneCares. If you’ve got an issue, visit a psychiatrist or psychologist. I mean, sure you’ll make him/her want to kill himself/herself but psychologists and psychiatrists get paid to make observations and see your face and analyze your moods. The rest of us don’t.
If you’re happy and WITH someone, feel free to smile and take a few pictures (which as per Clause No.1 of the Anti-Selfie Humzah Act) does NOT constitute a selfie.
4. The Angle-elfie
Another ANNOYING selfie. The selfie-ittes tries to find his/her best angle when taking a selfie and that’s OK but if you’re putting up all of your selfies, as you take them, that clearly just shows that you’re fishing for compliments. Please, refrain from saying shit like #OMGILOOKSOBAD, #BadAngleLol and other crap of the sort and try to do something more useful with your time. Maybe pray to God to epiphanize you (provide you with an epiphany) so you’re aware of your ‘good’ angles OR maybe you could go read a book. You DO remember what books are, right? You know those things that you used to read before you decided to go all Selfie-mundo on the world? The ones with words in them that could actually do your brain some good? Yeah, THOSE are called books.
5. The Drunkfie
The drunkfie is taken by selfie-ittes who want to show off that they’re drunk. A drunkfie, to a selfie-itte, is what gym is to people who want to lose weight- a birthright, a necessity and important.
Look, the world knows that you’ve got (your parents’ who don’t know what you’re up to) money to spend on booze. This might come as a shock but a lot of us really don’t care to see you drunk and selfie-d. I swear. Shocker- I know!
6. The Wakefie
The wakefie is the selfie-ittes way of telling you that he or she is awake. Some people wake up and eat breakfast whereas these kind and selfless people decide to bless us with visual proof that they’re awake. Please, roll out the red carpets for their Highnesses people. Our day COULDN’T go by if we didn’t know they were awake. More importantly they’re telling us how to stretch and be lazy in bed. How educational.