The Different Types of Pseudo-Intellectuals You’ll Meet

While I’ve always been supportive of various types of opinions and try my best to get along with judgmental people, there’s one type that I am genetically incapable of handling: pseudo-intellectuals.

In my opinion an intelligent man or woman is someone who weighs in on a topic when the need to do so is there- not someone who brings up a topic to become the center of attention. In other words, they don’t whore out their views and opinions to draw attention- they simply talk about things when the need to do so is felt by them or when they’re asked to talk (or give their opinions) about something. I believe that the pseudo-intellect flaunts what they know about something only to get approval from those around them. I’ve met several pseudo-intellectuals.

Word of advice to those of you that happen to be stuck with a pseudo-intellectual: act really dumb or change the topic of discussion. Acting dumb is way more fun because you can catch such people off-guard. Anyway, let’s review the various types of morons (cloaked in words they’ve rotted from books they’ve recently read) now:

1. The Fakeinists.

Fakeinists are fake feminists who will talk about the important of equality either because it was something that they had to write a thesis on or because they recently came across Emma Watson’s stance on the matter in the United Nations. Fakeinists can be men or women but the beauty of their stance is that while it might seem genuine, it is anything but.

I’m sorry but reading one paragraph about on feminism isn’t going to make you a feminist and being a women/girl doesn’t automatically give you the right to declare that you’re a feminist. It just gives my pharmacist the right to load me up on headache pills or my friends the right to clobber me on the head for talking to you. Read more, hang out with feminists and stand up for women before you can use the word to identify yourself as a feminist. I believe in feminism and have always believed in equal rights but I don’t call myself a feminist because (to be honest) I’ve yet to understand the concept more.

2. The Maullana Moron-ullahs and Pasty Pastors


My least favorite subset (Wow, look at me throwing math-related words around). This special subclass of pseudo-intellectuals speaks as if though they’ve recently directly spoken to God. They’ll speak against certain values and concepts only because they’ve read material on the matter in Holy Scriptures. Please, before stroking your beards, filling your stomachs with lavish dishes and delicious cooked fishes, also remember that God’s stated He’s the only one who has the right to judge.

Firstly, they’re not Moses and secondly, this pathetic bunch conveniently forgets to follow the same religious principles they rant about. No one’s given them the right to speak against gay people, what the world is coming to or about where the world is headed and that too in the judgmental tone that they use. The beauty of this subset is that they’ll conveniently forget their values when they feel the need to do so. This group is blessed with a special sub-class of stupidity and hypocrisy.

Word of Advice– Always cite a Holy Scripture and tell them that none other than God has the right to judge and then, feed them a heavy meal. You’ll be rid of their rants and they’ll hopefully fall asleep before they wake up to rant elsewhere.

3. Sellouts

Sellouts are men and women who believe that society is always right and that they have a right to judge anyone who is not conventional. Their personalities are their currencies while social validation is their reward. They’ll also speak against people who are a little different or who’s values aren’t in line with society.

Forgive them for their values. Their Highness have been sniffing rants from other sellouts while getting high on the attention they get from those around them :).

4. The Modern-Day Aristotle, Ptolemy and Socrates.

I don’t have the number of eyes I need to roll at this particular group. These people have only recently read Ayn Rand, Nietzsche and other books written by philosophers but act and talk as if though they sat with these people over coffee last weekend. Some pseudo-intellectuals of this sort have only recently realized that reading material written by philosophers automatically means that they’re their descendants or intellectual heirs. Excuse yourself if and when talking to someone of the sort because- trust me- they’ll be bs-ing for hours.


5. The Thesis-ists

This subclass will flaunt and talk about the studies that they read while they were doing a thesis on a particular topic. It’s great that you know how to read and have the physical capacity to talk about what studies or research proves but please understand, our minds aren’t a replacement for the paper you had to write.



2 thoughts on “The Different Types of Pseudo-Intellectuals You’ll Meet

  1. Salman

    It is interesting the term pseudo-intellectual is mostly used in Pakistan. I have never heard it used in USA nor EU. Why is it so commonly used in Pakistan?

    Why do you call yourself a ‘haphazard’ thinker? Shouldn’t one be a systematic/strategic thinker?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Humzah Raja Post author

    Thank you for reading the post and for your feedback.

    1. It is used commonly in Pakistan because there’s a ton of them here.
    2. I’ve heard the term being used at least once in majority of movies and shows (American, not British).

    And I call myself a haphazard thinker because I have many thoughts on several topics and all at the same time. One “should be” a systematic thinker if he/she believes that will benefit him/her. 🙂



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