I recently wrote a post to my 16 Year Old self (https://thediaryofahaphazardthinker.wordpress.com/2015/01/16/dear-16-year-old-humzah-i-remember/). This blog post is meant to be a continuation of the same post.
There comes a point in our lives when we learn that we’re capable of changing all the shit and of making a change. Fortunate individuals learn this during their younger years and then, there are those who understand the importance of stepping up and taking control at later stages of their lives. Regardless of what group you fall under, know that you can make that change at any point. All it takes is a little trigger.
One reader asked me how I managed to overcome my struggles. Many also asked me how I managed to break the shackles and patterns of my past. Quite a few people also ask me (and I quote)- “Don’t you ever get sad? Like EVER? You’re always smiling or happy. How’s that possible?”. The journey that enabled me to get to this point wasn’t any easier than it is for anyone else that might be reading this.
A lot of us presume that there’s some secret to happiness. I did. I thought belittling and judging others would help me outdo my ‘best friends’- for God knows what reason. I tried changing myself so I could make others fear me or become someone I was not. I had become a hypocritical ass and I’m happy that karma bit me hard enough, in the ass, so I could understand being anyone but who I am was just stupid. A series of events showed me what I had done and who I had become. Deep down inside I wasn’t proud of this person that I’d become. I didn’t feel content, happy, satisfied and I wasn’t exactly the poster child for happiness either. There was this internal numbness within me. A void that I felt would change if I started praying. Praying 5 times a day did nothing for me because my heart wasn’t in it. Admittedly, I did backbite- horribly- and I was nice to the people I bitched about. When I look back now, I don’t understand what compelled me to stoop to such horrible and pathetically low levels of inhumanity.
That’s where the change started.
I learned that everything that the events that I was encountering in my life were giving me the opportunity to correct the mistakes I made in the past.
So, step 1 was to accept my mistakes and to accept that everything good AND bad that was going on with me was the product of my own actions. I know that sometimes things might go wrong and I try to avoid hurting others but divine retribution always has been and will be part of my life. I’m human, I err and sometimes I learn but there are times when I don’t and I’ll know when to correct myself should a pattern reveal itself. Every person’s life is affected by a pattern. He/she does something wrong and then, tries to justify the act that makes him/her feel guilty. Acceptance, at this point, is out of the equation and so, one tends to repeat the mistake over and over again. The cycle breaks when you accept that there’s a problem and that you need to break the cycle to be free mentally and spiritually.
Secondly, I believe in God. I love Him and trust in Him. I do not worship Him on a prayer mat and I might have rebelled against Him in some ways but I always find my way back to Him. I’ve ALWAYS got answers to questions I’ve had in the past. There were a few moments when I believed my world had collapsed and shattered but He ALWAYS gave me a reason to laugh, smile and to feel good. I know this might sound corny to some of you and others might be all “Whatevs” about this but I do trust that we come from a Higher Source/Power- not the one that terrorists groups seem to worship nor the one that most people lose hope in- but in a power that is eternal, comforting, light, positive and one that will ALWAYS pull me into the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m sure all of you have been through horrible moments in your lifetime and I sympathize with you for that but trust me when I say this: the bad moments in your life will always lead you to a positive outcome. Whether or not you choose to see that is up to you.
Some people who I’ve said this to ask me “And what of the people that have been killed at the hands of other organizations, groups and individuals?” but unfortunately, I cannot speak for them.
Thirdly, I embraced the fact that people (no matter who they might be), objects, money, luxury, comfort, riches or anything else of the sort cannot make me feel happy or positively about myself. External validation was something that I was no longer in search of. What others thought of me didn’t bother me so long as I was aware of the fact that I wasn’t hurting them in any way. So, it didn’t matter to me if someone thought I was ugly, smart, intelligent, funny, lame or annoying because everyone has his or her own opinions. I am who I am and I’m God’s creation. I can’t and won’t change what/who I am nor can I change what I look like (unless I shift to L.A) but I’m happy with what I know and with what I have. I was- back then, too (though weight was always an issue for me).
Here’s, perhaps, the most important thing I did on my journey: I started to believe in myself. I genuinely believed in myself. Like anyone who can relate to this article, I have suffered in several ways. When you face adversity you are shattered in several ways. Some people are shattered to the point of no return. I almost was. I wanted to stop believing in God, so much but something within me just wouldn’t let me give up. It would always say “You’ve made it this far. Just go a little further- a LITTLE further and I swear things will change” and so, I listened to it. I’m glad I did. Had I ignored that voice I would never have been where I am today.
Lastly, I stopped blaming people for what went wrong in my life and took charge. I realized that the more I blamed others for my misery, the more I was enabling them to also control my happiness. To break free I needed to take charge and stand up for myself. 🙂
I hope this helps those of you who asked me how I managed to overcome my struggles. Remember, you’re amazing/beautiful as you are (no matter what anyone else tells you). People only try to undermine you or discourage you when they are threatened by you 🙂